24 Sundays ago, Matt went to heaven. At 11:35AM Dec 11, 2011, my life changed forever here on earth. I have learned that the loss I am experiencing shows itself in physical pain as well as the more obvious,emotional pain. Every day feels like forever. My perspective on life has changed forever. I am much more eternity focused than ever before. I am learning that I have to take care of myself, and protect my self from the outside world.I have learned that my bad days are a visit to hell and my good days are full of relaxing breaths. I have learned that well meaning people say horrible things, which is not their intention, that my dearest of friends and family stay that way and the God is bringing new people into my life which is very bizarre at times that only he can orchestrate.
I found myself at the cemetery today. 90 degrees and going up, I kicked off my sandals, laid on my back and rested. Funny thing about where Matt is, the breeze always kicks up at the right time. Although the sweat was dripping down my back, the instant air conditioner kept me cool and I began. " God, thank you for my soul mate, best friend and amazing husband and father. I give you all of my doubts and fear about doing life without Matt. Obviously it isn't going so well on my own. Although my heart is empty and I miss him so much, thank you Father for allowing his pain to cease. I give my precious children to you who I worry about endlessly. Please help me have the understanding I need to be what they need as their mom. God, please help me with my aching heart and continue to show me opportunities I have to honor Matt with strength and courage. I thank you Father for who you are. Amen.
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