Lowes...You are not going to make me cry

Over the 30 years together, Matt and I had our own personal joys that we would share.  One of Matt's favorite pastimes was going up and down the aisles of Lowes.  The nuts, bolts, garbage bags and of course there was nothing better than need to buy lumber.  He loved the smell of the freshly cut wood.  For me I can compare this experience to an afternoon at target.  Always leaving with much more than I had intended to spend, but there were so many "needs" that I didn't realize I "needed". I liked going to Lowes with Matt.  His pace was relaxed, his demeanor was happy and I just loved being with him.  So now, since Matt went to heaven, the Lowes experience isn't the same. I walk in with a bit of a lump in my throat,  I have a list, and I feel completely capable of getting the absolute necessities and getting out.  So today after a great workout, I bucked up, grabbed my list, walked with purpose and started:  hose reel leader hose, graphite for my doors, line for my edger, bug spray for the bazillion of gnats in my yard, and then...  a screen door handle.  I had hunted down two people who told me that I needed to go to aisle 16.  For the life of me,  I couldn't find the handles.  I patiently waited for a man at a workstation to finish making keys to ask for some help.  The big joke with Matt and I was that it was never as much fun at this type of store if you asked for help.  Seriously, I wasn't having much fun.  Once again after I basically cleared my throat more than 5 times, the guy smugly said aisle 16.   I explained that I had been up and down aisle 16 and couldn't find them.  With a big sigh, he flips around and leads me to the 2 choices I had.  Just as I was going to ask for the graphite, he got a call on his cell and just walked away.  Are you kidding me????  Hello, over here.  He walked away in the middle of me asking a question. Blow him off right?  Well not so easy when the lump in my throat was getting thicker, my heart was beating for the old days of Matt knowing where everything was, and the discomfort of the air I was breathing was getting nastier. How is it, I thought that I am standing here, longing for the old days of cruising the aisles of Lowes with my precious husband.  Oh my God, how did I get here? No answer except for the intense feeling of taking a deep breath and moving to the check out stand. The nice lady there asked me how my day was, did I find everything?  and wished me a nice weekend. With a bit of numbness I said thank you, you too and left. So when I got to the car, I said to myself, you got what you came for, there were no tears and next time, I am going to Home Depot.

Across The Table

All week I have tried to formulate the way to communicate the contentment I had on Fathers Day.  More than anything, in the pain of not having Matt with the kids and I, I intently focus on making choices in my life to honor my husband.   Last weekend was full of a lot of must do's but on Sunday morning, my kids and I gathered around a table at a favorite brunch spot in San Jose where the four of us have spent many hours chatting, laughing and brain storming life's challenges.  There the three of us sat this year at a little table in a nook of the restaurant.  Never had we sat there before.  It was perfect for the moment; with the rest of the world around us but tucked in a corner of privacy at the same time. Our brunch was bittersweet.  We laughed, choked up, we were able to say Matt's name without completely losing it and we enjoyed being together although our hearts were broken as well.  In my my own mind, I didn't know how this day would go. No cards, no presents, just pure love for our missing father and husband. Could we deal with our sadness and desire to honor Matt?  In Matt's last days, he told us to be happy no matter what.  He told the kids how proud he was of them.  On this Father's Day, I sat across the table from the two people that by their mere existence made this day, a Father's Day of honor for Matt. I sat there listening to the kids talking about their live, caring about mine and at the same time,I had a conversation in my head with Matt.  "Look at them.  They are smart, loving and compassionate people, like you.  They have of the attributes that you instilled in them.  They look like you, and at times their mannerisms mimic your's. They are lovable like you, strong like you and courageous like you.  I realize at this moment that a part of you is still here.  I feel so blessed that although our children are are a gift from God and you.  You are an amazing father Matt.  Your lessons continue, and they will be passed on one day.  Your love is alive and always will be.  Father's day is still a real day honey.  I don't have to ignore it.  I get to celebrate you Forever.
I love you,
Deb"

Thank you for the encouragement

I want to thank those of you who have e-mailed me to tell me to keep on writing.  It means a lot.  I have noticed when my days are hard, I come up empty with the right words to convey my thoughts .  I will try again after Father's Day is over.

To all of the wives out there, don't let the little things that drive you crazy about your husband get the best of you.  Love him and treasure him.

A Wife's Promise: 24 Sundays Ago

A Wife's Promise: 24 Sundays Ago: 24 Sundays ago, Matt went to heaven.  At 11:35AM Dec 11, 2011, my life changed forever here on earth. I have learned that the loss I am expe...

24 Sundays Ago

24 Sundays ago, Matt went to heaven.  At 11:35AM Dec 11, 2011, my life changed forever here on earth. I have learned that the loss I am experiencing shows itself in physical pain as well as the more obvious,emotional pain.  Every day feels like forever.  My perspective on life has changed forever.  I am much more eternity focused than ever before.  I am learning that I have to take care of myself, and protect my self from the outside world.I have learned that my bad days are a visit to hell and my good days are full of relaxing breaths. I have learned that well meaning people say horrible things, which is not their intention, that my dearest of friends and family stay that way and the God is bringing new people into my life which is very bizarre at times that only he can orchestrate.

I found myself at the cemetery today.  90 degrees and going up, I kicked off my sandals, laid on my back and rested.  Funny thing about where Matt is, the breeze always kicks up at the right time.  Although the sweat was dripping down my back, the instant air conditioner kept me cool and I began. " God, thank you for my soul mate, best friend and amazing husband and father.  I give you all of my doubts and fear about doing life without Matt.  Obviously it isn't going so well on my own.  Although my heart is empty and I miss him so much, thank you Father for allowing his pain to cease.  I give my precious children to you who I worry about endlessly.  Please help me have the understanding I need to be what they need as their mom. God, please help me with my aching heart and continue to show me opportunities I have to honor Matt with strength and courage. I thank you Father for who you are. Amen.

It Is Ok To Just Be "Fine"

Have you had those days where your day is "fine"?  How do you define "fine"?  Just last weekend, a very perky, unaware of her surroundings person asked me as she pretty much skipped by, how I was?  I smiled, said I was fine and asked how she was.  She never ended up telling me how she was but...she did give me some negative interpretation, actually an acronym of what the word "fine" means.  She then asked, so are you "fine"?  Pretty much shocked and yes speechless, I said, "I guess so."  But really after the interaction seized, I said to myself no,  I am better than that. Why did I agree with her?  By the way, she does know that Matt went to heaven just five 1/2 months ago.

So all of our life situations are different.  In my process of grieving being "fine" is good enough for now. If you know someone working through the grieving process on their way to  healing, maybe their fine is like mine...
I am fine because I swung both my legs over the side of the bed this morning to try another day.

I am fine because I only choked up five times rather than having tears in my throat all day long.

I am fine because I got to be distracted today.

I am fine because I pushed myself out of my safe bubble and called a friend.

I am fine because I actually tasted the chocolate chips in a cookie that I baked.

I am fine because I was able to talk to God without losing focus on what I was doing.

I am fine because at the end of the day, I climbed into bed thanking God for getting me through another day.
Fine isn't so bad.

So You Don't Say...

I have been asked lately what people shouldn't say to me regarding the loss of Matt.  I know it is very hard for those around me to feel that they can't speak freely because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing.  With that being said, I have decided to express what has been said and how if framed differently would sit better for those of us who have lost a spouse.  I have quite a list growing but I will give it to you one at a time.  I would love to hear your thoughts.  Please know that I take the premise that these remarks are coming from well meaning people.

Widow or Widower...Yuck
Someone has said to me that now that I am a widow, I should meet other widows.  Hmmm..I don't know what comes to your mind with that word, but for me I think of a black dreary spider.  So, assuming for a minute I felt that I needed to do that, how would I go about it? Hi my name is Debbie, I hear that you are widow just like me.  Not so much.

Or... "You know" what the bible says about widows???  So I looked it up.  Not what I want to associate myself with. When Matt was here I never went around saying I was a wife.  "Hi, I am Debbie, I am a wife."  That would be very strange.

So,,, what would feel better?  Not a label.  In my heart, I am still married to Matt. Yes my precious husband has passed on but the day he passed, I didn't lose my wedding licence or the 30 years we spent together. If someone has the uncomfortable need to identify me, just say...

" Hey, this is Debbie, my friend."