Across The Table

All week I have tried to formulate the way to communicate the contentment I had on Fathers Day.  More than anything, in the pain of not having Matt with the kids and I, I intently focus on making choices in my life to honor my husband.   Last weekend was full of a lot of must do's but on Sunday morning, my kids and I gathered around a table at a favorite brunch spot in San Jose where the four of us have spent many hours chatting, laughing and brain storming life's challenges.  There the three of us sat this year at a little table in a nook of the restaurant.  Never had we sat there before.  It was perfect for the moment; with the rest of the world around us but tucked in a corner of privacy at the same time. Our brunch was bittersweet.  We laughed, choked up, we were able to say Matt's name without completely losing it and we enjoyed being together although our hearts were broken as well.  In my my own mind, I didn't know how this day would go. No cards, no presents, just pure love for our missing father and husband. Could we deal with our sadness and desire to honor Matt?  In Matt's last days, he told us to be happy no matter what.  He told the kids how proud he was of them.  On this Father's Day, I sat across the table from the two people that by their mere existence made this day, a Father's Day of honor for Matt. I sat there listening to the kids talking about their live, caring about mine and at the same time,I had a conversation in my head with Matt.  "Look at them.  They are smart, loving and compassionate people, like you.  They have of the attributes that you instilled in them.  They look like you, and at times their mannerisms mimic your's. They are lovable like you, strong like you and courageous like you.  I realize at this moment that a part of you is still here.  I feel so blessed that although our children are are a gift from God and you.  You are an amazing father Matt.  Your lessons continue, and they will be passed on one day.  Your love is alive and always will be.  Father's day is still a real day honey.  I don't have to ignore it.  I get to celebrate you Forever.
I love you,
Deb"