41/2 Year's to Prepare? NOT!!!

Writing to you today is not easy.  My heart yearns for Matt.  I miss our lives, our hopes and dreams. People say that I am strong.  Sometimes, yes.  Sometimes I feel like a brittle leave that has fallen from a tree that has experienced a brutal freeze.  Today, the brutal freeze is wreaking havoc in every inch of my body.  I write this to be forthright and honest.  Not always inspirational, just the plain truth.  If you have been in my shoes in one way or another, you will know what I mean.

This is what brings me to what I want to convey.  Loss and grief can not be compared.  Everyone experiences it in so many unique ways.  Your shoes and my shoes are very different.  Your pain belongs to you and is the worst, as is mine.  Lately, a few people have said to me, " at least you had time to prepare for Matt's death."  "So much better that way than suddenly." Is it? or Is it not?  There isn't an answer to this.    I have just finished attending two grief counseling groups.  Sitting there, you share and listen.  I prefer to listen. I heard sorrow from both the prolonged illness and the sudden death.  I would never say that our experience was worse or better.  There is no worse or better.  It is all so tragic.

For Matt and I, we never lived one day with cancer as he was going to die.  We fought with vengeance.  We chose joy in the pain and always believed there would be one more treatment.  To fight the battle 100% we could not give the evil cancer a chance to think it would win and take Matt's life.  Even throughout Matt's last three months of life during hospice, we attacked each day with, WOW, we can do this for a very long time.  Just the other day I took the dogs for a walk where I used to push Matt in his wheel chair.  It was in October.  The leaves were falling and we would see how many leaves we could crunch. Matt thought that if I practiced real hard, I could enter a contest of going up and down the curbs.  Not a very easy thing to do, without tipping.  There was never a time that we thought we were experiencing Matt's passing.  We were living our lives.  Laughing, eating, doing yard work, loving on our dogs and being around the people we loved.

So what happened the day Matt took his last breath? Cancer won a battle it didn't know it was winning until the very end.  The very night before Matt passed, he opened his eyes, reached out his hand to me and said "I love you." We cried and held on to each other until he dosed off.  When, the mortuary took Matt away, I felt like I HAD BEEN HIT BY A FREIGHT TRAIN. I always believed there would be one more day.

Check The Box Please

Life sure has it's ways of throwing curve balls.  Some curve balls are actually good.  Last Friday I inquired about a front desk job at the club where I play tennis and workout. Three hours later my little inquiry turned into a part time job in sales and marketing.  Oh my gosh...it has been so long since I worked out in the world.  I begin my job this Saturday with a lot of excitement and ambivalence.

NOW... the big curve ball.  I went into the club to sign the paper work and get all ready to begin.  At the very end of the pile, I came to the W-2. Gosh, I thought, how long has it been since I filled this thing out?  Ok...start at the beginning, 1 deduction ...okay almost there.  STOP RIGHT THERE.  Single or married?  Are you kidding me??? The air was sucked out of my throat, my breathing became shallow and the tears went from the deepest part of my stomach to the tissues that my future boss was handing me.  With my eyes filled with tears and mascara running down my face, I told my new boss that I couldn't mark the box.  I looked at my wedding ring, I grabbed Matt's ring that is around my neck.  I felt his hand on the back of neck, and I said "MARRIED".  This poor woman.  What was she going to do with me.  Why would she want to hire such an emotional mess.  I really thought that she was going to recant the offer. She didn't.  She took, the W-2. looked at it and said, "I am sorry, please check single.  I did. My back started aching like it is right now, my throat was burning, and I said, "I know".

It's Great To Just "Be"

I smiled on Saturday.  A real smile from within.  Smiling on the outside isn't so hard but smiling from the inside,  well let's just say, I can't make it happen.  There are times when my grief is very raw and other times when it's in it's place.  Always, feeling an indescribable loss, the sharpness is not always caught up in my breathing, thinking and movement.

My escape in life is exercising until sweat is pouring out of me. I like the burn and the sense of accomplishment when it is over.  On Saturday, Blake ( my son) and I hiked to a beautiful waterfall.  Funny thing about the walk there was we got there pretty fast and we filled our time with just normal conversation.  There were many people on the trail, and the sun was beating down very hard. There were the most gorgeous horses, adorable children on a scavenger hunt, and just your everyday person soaking in the day. When we arrived at the bridge overlooking the waterfall, we just fell quiet.  We both knew that Matt was on each of our minds and that we were both processing our emotions separately.  One thing I have learned about grief, is that it is so personal and not any two people can go through it the same way. We regrouped asked someone to take our picture and then continued on to sit by the water.  We went off the beat and path because there were so many people playing, eating and having fun.  We just wanted to be quiet.  We found a rock where the water was rushing by.  On the side of the hill the water was trickling and in the middle, it was rushing at a very fast pace.  Most of that time we sat quietly.  Not sad just reflective.  I have told both of my kids that right now I just want to be.  Be myself, no pressure to put on the happy face, and  oddly enough, comfortable to laugh and not wonder if people are thinking that I am not sad enough.  Ok... now that is honest. Just before we got up to begin the uphill hike back to the car, Blake said, "now this is just being." I could not have said it better myself.  I am finding myself smiling right now at how that moment felt. Matt was with me, no doubt, but I was enjoying being alive. After the accomplishment of a very long hike back up, with sweat pouring down my face, Blake and I went to Fosters and devoured a dipped cone.  I haven't tasted something that yummy for a very long time.  I enjoyed my cone, my son and I found myself really smiling..  For real!

Preparing Doesn't Make It Happen

While living our everyday lives we don't want to think about dying. Planning for that time is not natural or desirable at all.  However, having "The" conversation, doesn't make dying happen. As a matter of fact it makes living easier.

Things to consider doing for yourself and family:
Talk about what you would want should you be encountered with an illness or catastrophic event. DNR, ( do not recessitate, donating organs etc,)

• Cremation or burial?
• funeral, memorial, no service?
• See a lawyer and put everything into a revocable trust so that you avoid probate.  Probate could take the majority of what you leave to your loved ones.  And, your home should also be in a trust.
• Have a credit card in your name as the primary cardholder.  When social security gets a hold of the information of the passing, your bank accounts can be frozen to protect you from identity theft.

Now for the tough stuff:

Don't leave anything undone or unsaid on a daily basis.

If you have baggage to deal with, don't wait, start today

Don't get caught up on the "busy" life.  If you find that word coming out of your mouth daily, do something about it.  You won't want to deal with "busy" later.

Make time for each other daily

Touch each other everyday with a hug

Say I love you everyday

The list goes on.....

Matt lived his life with no regrets, we always knew where each other stood on everything.  We were never afraid to say anything because our marriage was blessed with unconditional love. This is not to say we didn't disagree however mutual respect was the basis of our relationship.  Although we lived the "busy" life, Matt would be the first one in our family to real it in, and each season of life we would evaluate the "busy".  ("Busy is very easy to hide behind).

Hope this helps

Taxes Represent So Much More

Tax day came yesterday with an incomplete return until the end of the day.  Did anyone mess up?  NO! However, the wrath of cancer tried to have it's way. Until this year, Matt has taken care of the taxes, with me helping to gather all of the necessary documents. My husband was amazing with our finances and half way through the year he would do our taxes to make sure we were on track.  Not in 2011. For some reason, I thought I could pop in TurboTax and be on my way.  Not so much.  Digging in to the confusion, I realized that SSDI, long term disability, and a unjust lawsuit that we were not able to fight because of cancer, were going to cause us havoc.  I could hear my husband saying, let someone else take this.  So, I hired an accountant.  With a tremendous amount of patience of dealing with my emotions and a bit of a confusing mess, my accountant graciously met with me at 8:00 Monday night, explained every line and filed my return yesterday afternoon.

Sitting there going through the return line to line broke my heart.  It made me go through once again the immense amount of sadness of not having my best friend by my side, and made my heart hurt for Matt who had to live and die in 2011.   With such dignity, love and commitment to our 30 years,  Matt prepared me for whatever life is going to throw my way.  He taught me to fight, when to let go, and to always fall back on my faith.

Forever grateful!

I Know

I Know...

I know not expect you to be better at handling my grief than I would have been at handling yours before my loss.

I know that you can not know what this experience is like if you haven't been through it.

I know that you want to help me.  You mean well.

I know that I can't expect for you to know how I feel unless I express to you how I am feeling.

I know that you cannot read my mind.  If I am hurting or need support, it is my responsibility to ask for what I need.  That is if I know what that is myself.

I know that you are grieving Matt too.  How sad you may feel too.

I know that every night when it is time to rest, I thank God for all of the well meaning and lovely people in my life.

Thoughts for the day:
Sorrow:
Sorrow are the tears you cry, and the ones you hide so that no one knows that you are hurting inside.


Understanding:
Understanding that the only thing you can count on in life is change.

Just Ask

There are questions, AND then there is the question.  You can ask me, if my taxes are done,  I would say getting there, you can ask me if I am eating well, sleeping and exercising and I would yes on all three, you can ask me if I am back going to church, I would yes I am and, I have even gone by myself.  Should you ask the bigeeee, How am I doing?  Here is my answer:

Thank you so much for asking. Losing Matt is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the loss and grief I am experiencing.  I cry more than usual, at times having a hard time catching my breath.  My tears are not a lack of hope or faith, they are symbols of the depth of my loss and the feelings I am experiencing through my grief.  They are also a sign that I am healing from my grief.

My emotions are all heightened by the stress of grief.  Please be forgiving if I seem irrational or withdrawn at times. I need more patience and understanding from you than ever before.  Your presence in my life means more than ever before.  If you don't know what to say to me, please just offer your touch or hug so I know you care and are available to me.  Please don't wait or expect me to call you.  I am often too tired or preoccupied with my thoughts and feelings to even think of reaching out for help.  I am also learning to reach out, and this is a bit difficult for me.

Please don't allow me to withdraw from you.  If you feel uncomfortable about my mood or emotions, please ask me what the best way is to support me.  I know that you can't read my mind and it must be very hard to know what to say.

If you have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me.  You will not make me feel worse.  In fact, this may help me talk about my loss and that would help. Sometimes, actually a lot, I love to talk about Matt, but let me set the limits on how much we talk about him.

The loss of not having my best friend/soul mate is the worst thing that could happen to me.  I know that somehow I will get through.  I know that I will not always feel the way I do now.  I will laugh and find meaning in life again.  I just need time.

Thank you for caring about me.  I really do appreciate it.  Your concern is a gift I will always treasure.
Love,
Debbie

Thank You Stacey - I Have a Solution

My very last message on my voice mail from Matt was last September when I was still playing tennis at night.  When I want to hear his voice I just replay it and my heart settles.  Beyond the emotion, it occurs to me that my dear husband was always making sure I was safely on my way home from whatever I was doing.   That night as so many, he said, " Hi Honey, just wondering if you have left the courts?  It's getting kinda late.  Just making sure you are all right.  Call me.  Love you." About a month after Matt went to heaven, I was sitting in my car in the Safeway parking lot at 10:00 at night.  It was raining and it occurred to me, Matt was never going to check on me again. 30 years of being thought of and cared for all of the time.  Since then, I have found myself with the dilemma; who would ever know if I broke down or something happened to me? Hmmm...PROMISING to take care of myself, I have been occasionally telling some one if I am going to be out.  It is certainly not a natural thing to call a friend and say,"Hey, can I check in with you when I get home?"  But, it is necessary.  Tonight, like a beautiful night in September, I found myself walking off the tennis courts with my dear friend Stacey. I was telling her that I had to stop and get gas and then I shared my dilemma.  We talked at length of this adjustment to my life and we came up the solution  that wherever I am, I can just ask someone who I am with if they would mind being my check in person for that night or if I am alone, I will call a friend and ask for a back up person.  This way, I am not burdening one person and I getting help where I need it.

I share this for a two fold reason.  If you or someone else you know is like me, you or they have probably encountered this feeling in one way or another.  If you are a friend or a family member, be bold and bring up the subject to help this person walk down the road of adjusting to a new life.  And.... if you are somewhere, whether alone with a friend or you know someone in a group who is on their own, step out and offer to be the text message on the other side that says,"I'm glad you are home safe and sound."

Promise Me

Promise me that you will breathe.  Promise me that you will put one foot in front of another.  Promise me that you will surround yourself with people who lift you up, not bring you down.  Promise me that you will smile again.  Promise me that you do whatever it takes to be happy again.  AND... my promise to you is that we will be in eternity together forever.

My precious husband Matt shared this with me three weeks before he went to heaven. With complete clarity and determination, Matt filled my heart and mind with everything he wanted me to know. Some of which I may share at a different time.  How blessed I am!!!

Matt fought stage 4 lung cancer for 4 1/2 years and lost the fight on December 11, 2011.  Our fight and battle with this disease is documented in caringbridge.org/mattharris if you would like to go deeper into our story. My husband was the most amazing, loving husband and father anyone could dream of.  My life's goal now that I am having to live every day with out him is to honor him.  He loved it when I wrote and told me that the day would come when somewhere deep within, my heart would beat to share this season of life in hopes of helping those who are grieving like me and for those who are walking along side the grieving. I think my heart, mind and soul are just beginning to wake up to the fact that days are continuing to come and go , and that I have to live this life without my soul mate and best friend.  As I write this, my heart is beating faster and my breaths are a bit shallower. The pain is indescribable but the desire to honor the promises that I made Matt will someday put everything in its place.

This blog will be filled with an up close and personal journey to grief and fulfilling promises. And with God's hand in mine, moving forward one step at a time.