There are questions, AND then there is the question. You can ask me, if my taxes are done, I would say getting there, you can ask me if I am eating well, sleeping and exercising and I would yes on all three, you can ask me if I am back going to church, I would yes I am and, I have even gone by myself. Should you ask the bigeeee, How am I doing? Here is my answer:
Thank you so much for asking. Losing Matt is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the loss and grief I am experiencing. I cry more than usual, at times having a hard time catching my breath. My tears are not a lack of hope or faith, they are symbols of the depth of my loss and the feelings I am experiencing through my grief. They are also a sign that I am healing from my grief.
My emotions are all heightened by the stress of grief. Please be forgiving if I seem irrational or withdrawn at times. I need more patience and understanding from you than ever before. Your presence in my life means more than ever before. If you don't know what to say to me, please just offer your touch or hug so I know you care and are available to me. Please don't wait or expect me to call you. I am often too tired or preoccupied with my thoughts and feelings to even think of reaching out for help. I am also learning to reach out, and this is a bit difficult for me.
Please don't allow me to withdraw from you. If you feel uncomfortable about my mood or emotions, please ask me what the best way is to support me. I know that you can't read my mind and it must be very hard to know what to say.
If you have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me. You will not make me feel worse. In fact, this may help me talk about my loss and that would help. Sometimes, actually a lot, I love to talk about Matt, but let me set the limits on how much we talk about him.
The loss of not having my best friend/soul mate is the worst thing that could happen to me. I know that somehow I will get through. I know that I will not always feel the way I do now. I will laugh and find meaning in life again. I just need time.
Thank you for caring about me. I really do appreciate it. Your concern is a gift I will always treasure.
Love,
Debbie
Debbie- it is so beautiful to read this as you share your heart and hurts. Loving AND grieving means you are living life out loud, just as you and Matt have always done together. Making the most of every moment. Because of your deep love for Matt it is no surprise you would experience deep grief from a lack of his presence. As you already know, I lost both my parents to cancer and my brother to a car accident. I am no stranger to the heavy and sometimes almost uncontrollably cries at all hours of the day and night. I can only say that those tears will be shed often but as time passes with less frequency and less intensity. (Thanks goodness, for some days I thought I would shrivel up from loss of hydration :) You are wise to keep friends close and around you during this difficult time. Know that you are loved Debbie! Big hugs, Cheryl
ReplyDeleteThank you Cheryl
ReplyDeleteDebbie - This entry is so right in so many ways. You expressed yourself with such eloquence, precision, and loving truth. I love your blog and want to thank you for so very much for sharing.
ReplyDeleteWith love,
Cheryl
(de la Pena) ; )