Across The Table

All week I have tried to formulate the way to communicate the contentment I had on Fathers Day.  More than anything, in the pain of not having Matt with the kids and I, I intently focus on making choices in my life to honor my husband.   Last weekend was full of a lot of must do's but on Sunday morning, my kids and I gathered around a table at a favorite brunch spot in San Jose where the four of us have spent many hours chatting, laughing and brain storming life's challenges.  There the three of us sat this year at a little table in a nook of the restaurant.  Never had we sat there before.  It was perfect for the moment; with the rest of the world around us but tucked in a corner of privacy at the same time. Our brunch was bittersweet.  We laughed, choked up, we were able to say Matt's name without completely losing it and we enjoyed being together although our hearts were broken as well.  In my my own mind, I didn't know how this day would go. No cards, no presents, just pure love for our missing father and husband. Could we deal with our sadness and desire to honor Matt?  In Matt's last days, he told us to be happy no matter what.  He told the kids how proud he was of them.  On this Father's Day, I sat across the table from the two people that by their mere existence made this day, a Father's Day of honor for Matt. I sat there listening to the kids talking about their live, caring about mine and at the same time,I had a conversation in my head with Matt.  "Look at them.  They are smart, loving and compassionate people, like you.  They have of the attributes that you instilled in them.  They look like you, and at times their mannerisms mimic your's. They are lovable like you, strong like you and courageous like you.  I realize at this moment that a part of you is still here.  I feel so blessed that although our children are are a gift from God and you.  You are an amazing father Matt.  Your lessons continue, and they will be passed on one day.  Your love is alive and always will be.  Father's day is still a real day honey.  I don't have to ignore it.  I get to celebrate you Forever.
I love you,
Deb"

Thank you for the encouragement

I want to thank those of you who have e-mailed me to tell me to keep on writing.  It means a lot.  I have noticed when my days are hard, I come up empty with the right words to convey my thoughts .  I will try again after Father's Day is over.

To all of the wives out there, don't let the little things that drive you crazy about your husband get the best of you.  Love him and treasure him.

A Wife's Promise: 24 Sundays Ago

A Wife's Promise: 24 Sundays Ago: 24 Sundays ago, Matt went to heaven.  At 11:35AM Dec 11, 2011, my life changed forever here on earth. I have learned that the loss I am expe...

24 Sundays Ago

24 Sundays ago, Matt went to heaven.  At 11:35AM Dec 11, 2011, my life changed forever here on earth. I have learned that the loss I am experiencing shows itself in physical pain as well as the more obvious,emotional pain.  Every day feels like forever.  My perspective on life has changed forever.  I am much more eternity focused than ever before.  I am learning that I have to take care of myself, and protect my self from the outside world.I have learned that my bad days are a visit to hell and my good days are full of relaxing breaths. I have learned that well meaning people say horrible things, which is not their intention, that my dearest of friends and family stay that way and the God is bringing new people into my life which is very bizarre at times that only he can orchestrate.

I found myself at the cemetery today.  90 degrees and going up, I kicked off my sandals, laid on my back and rested.  Funny thing about where Matt is, the breeze always kicks up at the right time.  Although the sweat was dripping down my back, the instant air conditioner kept me cool and I began. " God, thank you for my soul mate, best friend and amazing husband and father.  I give you all of my doubts and fear about doing life without Matt.  Obviously it isn't going so well on my own.  Although my heart is empty and I miss him so much, thank you Father for allowing his pain to cease.  I give my precious children to you who I worry about endlessly.  Please help me have the understanding I need to be what they need as their mom. God, please help me with my aching heart and continue to show me opportunities I have to honor Matt with strength and courage. I thank you Father for who you are. Amen.