It's Great To Just "Be"

I smiled on Saturday.  A real smile from within.  Smiling on the outside isn't so hard but smiling from the inside,  well let's just say, I can't make it happen.  There are times when my grief is very raw and other times when it's in it's place.  Always, feeling an indescribable loss, the sharpness is not always caught up in my breathing, thinking and movement.

My escape in life is exercising until sweat is pouring out of me. I like the burn and the sense of accomplishment when it is over.  On Saturday, Blake ( my son) and I hiked to a beautiful waterfall.  Funny thing about the walk there was we got there pretty fast and we filled our time with just normal conversation.  There were many people on the trail, and the sun was beating down very hard. There were the most gorgeous horses, adorable children on a scavenger hunt, and just your everyday person soaking in the day. When we arrived at the bridge overlooking the waterfall, we just fell quiet.  We both knew that Matt was on each of our minds and that we were both processing our emotions separately.  One thing I have learned about grief, is that it is so personal and not any two people can go through it the same way. We regrouped asked someone to take our picture and then continued on to sit by the water.  We went off the beat and path because there were so many people playing, eating and having fun.  We just wanted to be quiet.  We found a rock where the water was rushing by.  On the side of the hill the water was trickling and in the middle, it was rushing at a very fast pace.  Most of that time we sat quietly.  Not sad just reflective.  I have told both of my kids that right now I just want to be.  Be myself, no pressure to put on the happy face, and  oddly enough, comfortable to laugh and not wonder if people are thinking that I am not sad enough.  Ok... now that is honest. Just before we got up to begin the uphill hike back to the car, Blake said, "now this is just being." I could not have said it better myself.  I am finding myself smiling right now at how that moment felt. Matt was with me, no doubt, but I was enjoying being alive. After the accomplishment of a very long hike back up, with sweat pouring down my face, Blake and I went to Fosters and devoured a dipped cone.  I haven't tasted something that yummy for a very long time.  I enjoyed my cone, my son and I found myself really smiling..  For real!