It Is Ok To Just Be "Fine"

Have you had those days where your day is "fine"?  How do you define "fine"?  Just last weekend, a very perky, unaware of her surroundings person asked me as she pretty much skipped by, how I was?  I smiled, said I was fine and asked how she was.  She never ended up telling me how she was but...she did give me some negative interpretation, actually an acronym of what the word "fine" means.  She then asked, so are you "fine"?  Pretty much shocked and yes speechless, I said, "I guess so."  But really after the interaction seized, I said to myself no,  I am better than that. Why did I agree with her?  By the way, she does know that Matt went to heaven just five 1/2 months ago.

So all of our life situations are different.  In my process of grieving being "fine" is good enough for now. If you know someone working through the grieving process on their way to  healing, maybe their fine is like mine...
I am fine because I swung both my legs over the side of the bed this morning to try another day.

I am fine because I only choked up five times rather than having tears in my throat all day long.

I am fine because I got to be distracted today.

I am fine because I pushed myself out of my safe bubble and called a friend.

I am fine because I actually tasted the chocolate chips in a cookie that I baked.

I am fine because I was able to talk to God without losing focus on what I was doing.

I am fine because at the end of the day, I climbed into bed thanking God for getting me through another day.
Fine isn't so bad.

So You Don't Say...

I have been asked lately what people shouldn't say to me regarding the loss of Matt.  I know it is very hard for those around me to feel that they can't speak freely because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing.  With that being said, I have decided to express what has been said and how if framed differently would sit better for those of us who have lost a spouse.  I have quite a list growing but I will give it to you one at a time.  I would love to hear your thoughts.  Please know that I take the premise that these remarks are coming from well meaning people.

Widow or Widower...Yuck
Someone has said to me that now that I am a widow, I should meet other widows.  Hmmm..I don't know what comes to your mind with that word, but for me I think of a black dreary spider.  So, assuming for a minute I felt that I needed to do that, how would I go about it? Hi my name is Debbie, I hear that you are widow just like me.  Not so much.

Or... "You know" what the bible says about widows???  So I looked it up.  Not what I want to associate myself with. When Matt was here I never went around saying I was a wife.  "Hi, I am Debbie, I am a wife."  That would be very strange.

So,,, what would feel better?  Not a label.  In my heart, I am still married to Matt. Yes my precious husband has passed on but the day he passed, I didn't lose my wedding licence or the 30 years we spent together. If someone has the uncomfortable need to identify me, just say...

" Hey, this is Debbie, my friend."

Where they are and Where they are attempting to Be

Do you know some one grieving or are you that someone?  Grief isn't always around death.  It can also be around divorce, family dysfunction etc.  To experience sorrow is to have a physical pain of resistance.  To get to understanding we have to get to the point of acceptance. Can this be done all at one time?  I don't think so.  Do I think that sorrow will go away completely?  No I don't.  However the grieving person is trying as hard as they can to take one more step to understanding.

Thought of the day:
Sorrow is...
Plans, expectations, and dreams shattered into little pieces


Where to go from here...


Understanding that...
Loved ones are "loaned" to us and are not to be possessed; and when the time comes, in the physical life (as in divorce) or in the life beyond (as in death), we must let them go to their destiny.

I Accept Today

A big obstacle I have been dealing with is being ok with the fact that I am not ok all of the time.  Sounds a bit circular, however for a person that desires control of herself, I think that my world is more rocked because I am fighting myself with the acceptance of my emotional roller coaster. Matt went to heaven 5 months ago.  So why now am I the most emotional and unnerved than I have been this whole time?  Because.....I look around me and see that life goes on, and that is tragic. Not tragic for those who get to jump back into their everyday lives, but tragic for those of us mourning our loss. I am going to accept the following.....

1.   I will accept that people will complain about their husband's idiosyncrasies and I can't. (I am smiling about how I would give Matt a hard time about the amount of trips it would take to Home Depot for one project)

2.   I will accept that husbands and wives around me have a glass of wine at the end of their day,  let their hair down and  reconnect from life's business.

3.   I will accept that the quiet of the day drives me crazy with yearning for Matt. ( Kind of dramatic, but honestly true)

4.   I will accept that I have to figure out who I am and what I am going to do with my life until we are together again.

5.  I will accept that for now, I won't put pressure on myself to eat a meal at the kitchen table.  The couch and TV are ok.  Tough one since in all of our years, we stopped the world around us and sat around the table talking about our day.

6.  I will accept that sometimes I can take on a day with confidence and bravery and other days I can't.

I could go on and on.  Bottomline...  I am going to cut myself slack for just being me and living one day at a time. I am just going to accept.

My Husband's Legacy To Mothers Day

Please know that I am not being boastful.  In fact, I am incredibly grateful and very sad that this will be my first mother's day with out Matt.  Living life with Matt was awesome.  Did we have hard days?  Yes.  Did we always work through those days? Yes.  The one thing I always knew was that I was cherished by my husband no matter what.  When I put my foot in my mouth, he would put his hand on my should to say, "honey really"?, When I spoke in front of the church, he would be so proud, that he would embarrass me while he was taking pictures.  Oh my gosh, I would think, "What is he doing?  He would just say afterwards, "That was amazing". I would smile and say thanks.  Inside, he filled my heart with an abundance of love.

On Mother's Day for 25 years, Matt made one day on the calender amazing. The funniest Mother's Day was when I opened a card and he put a picture of a freezer that I really wanted inside of it.  Note, to all of the husbands out there.  No appliances for Mother's Day. I was mortified and pretended to be grateful at the same time. Not being so sleuth like with my emotions, he knew that he had hit a chord and tore up the picture.  We ended up planting a rose garden together. As I write this, I am smiling from the inside out with tears on the outside coming from within. As the years went on, Matt taught our children to honor their mother.  Not just on this one particular day but all of the time.  He taught them to make helper coupons, pick flowers, draw pictures, create masterpieces and of course in our family make a special card.  When our kids got older, I had Mother's days of strawberries and cantaloupe, beautiful flowers, chocolate raisins, a new raft for the pool and of course People magazine.  My son and husband became the cabana boys of the day and my daughter saw to so many details to make the day beyond special.  This didn't all happen by accident.  My husband was the  father and husband that I could only dream of all of my life.  I was spoiled with love.  I spoiled back with love.  We loved.

Last year, for Mother's Day, I really wondered if it would be our last together. As all of the other years, it was my day.  He showered me with his love and attention along with my children.  On our very last Mother's Day, Matt gave me a beautiful cross for my charm bracelet. It is perfect.  My first cross ever, because I just couldn't find the right one.  He did.

My heart is eternally grateful for being given the gift of being Matt's wife and Blake and Nicole's mom.

Thank you honey.

The Words He Would Say

So many nights I sit and wish Matt would appear in my dreams and tell me what he wants for me.  I know that he shared his desires and wishes here on earth, but what would his focus be in heaven? People tell me that Matt wants me to go on and be happy, they tell me that he is with me and they tell me that our love will be forever.  I believe this all to be true.  I just want to hear from him.

The other night driving home from my dearest friend's house, I started talking to God and Matt.  I asked God for guidance and peace.  I then found myself talking to Matt.  The radio was on and this is what was played at that very moment.  Please click on this You Tube link and listen.  Pass it on.  Let me know what you think.  No matter what give thanks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t9u-LOa3OI

The Ledger

As my last post showed, there have been some pretty rough days.  Putting one foot in front of the other even though it at times feels like I have a cement brick on it continues to be my daily goal.  I have opened up to some dear people to me this week.  They haven't walked in my shoes, but little do they know, their works have been unbelievabley imactful. Just want to share.  Maybe whatever your life has you rattled by, might ease just a bit.

One day very soon, your emotional hell will transform to emotional hec and then who knows, maybe your ok days will happem without you even knowing it.