I have been asked lately what people shouldn't say to me regarding the loss of Matt. I know it is very hard for those around me to feel that they can't speak freely because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. With that being said, I have decided to express what has been said and how if framed differently would sit better for those of us who have lost a spouse. I have quite a list growing but I will give it to you one at a time. I would love to hear your thoughts. Please know that I take the premise that these remarks are coming from well meaning people.
Widow or Widower...Yuck
Someone has said to me that now that I am a widow, I should meet other widows. Hmmm..I don't know what comes to your mind with that word, but for me I think of a black dreary spider. So, assuming for a minute I felt that I needed to do that, how would I go about it? Hi my name is Debbie, I hear that you are widow just like me. Not so much.
Or... "You know" what the bible says about widows??? So I looked it up. Not what I want to associate myself with. When Matt was here I never went around saying I was a wife. "Hi, I am Debbie, I am a wife." That would be very strange.
So,,, what would feel better? Not a label. In my heart, I am still married to Matt. Yes my precious husband has passed on but the day he passed, I didn't lose my wedding licence or the 30 years we spent together. If someone has the uncomfortable need to identify me, just say...
" Hey, this is Debbie, my friend."
I think this is very helpful Debbie (although I'd never call anyone a widow!). People are well meaning, but sometimes don't know the right words.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm proud to say "Hey this is my friend Debbie, and she's a darned fine tennis player!" :)
You are always in my healing prayers.
Heidi (& Atticus)