Lowes...You are not going to make me cry

Over the 30 years together, Matt and I had our own personal joys that we would share.  One of Matt's favorite pastimes was going up and down the aisles of Lowes.  The nuts, bolts, garbage bags and of course there was nothing better than need to buy lumber.  He loved the smell of the freshly cut wood.  For me I can compare this experience to an afternoon at target.  Always leaving with much more than I had intended to spend, but there were so many "needs" that I didn't realize I "needed". I liked going to Lowes with Matt.  His pace was relaxed, his demeanor was happy and I just loved being with him.  So now, since Matt went to heaven, the Lowes experience isn't the same. I walk in with a bit of a lump in my throat,  I have a list, and I feel completely capable of getting the absolute necessities and getting out.  So today after a great workout, I bucked up, grabbed my list, walked with purpose and started:  hose reel leader hose, graphite for my doors, line for my edger, bug spray for the bazillion of gnats in my yard, and then...  a screen door handle.  I had hunted down two people who told me that I needed to go to aisle 16.  For the life of me,  I couldn't find the handles.  I patiently waited for a man at a workstation to finish making keys to ask for some help.  The big joke with Matt and I was that it was never as much fun at this type of store if you asked for help.  Seriously, I wasn't having much fun.  Once again after I basically cleared my throat more than 5 times, the guy smugly said aisle 16.   I explained that I had been up and down aisle 16 and couldn't find them.  With a big sigh, he flips around and leads me to the 2 choices I had.  Just as I was going to ask for the graphite, he got a call on his cell and just walked away.  Are you kidding me????  Hello, over here.  He walked away in the middle of me asking a question. Blow him off right?  Well not so easy when the lump in my throat was getting thicker, my heart was beating for the old days of Matt knowing where everything was, and the discomfort of the air I was breathing was getting nastier. How is it, I thought that I am standing here, longing for the old days of cruising the aisles of Lowes with my precious husband.  Oh my God, how did I get here? No answer except for the intense feeling of taking a deep breath and moving to the check out stand. The nice lady there asked me how my day was, did I find everything?  and wished me a nice weekend. With a bit of numbness I said thank you, you too and left. So when I got to the car, I said to myself, you got what you came for, there were no tears and next time, I am going to Home Depot.

Across The Table

All week I have tried to formulate the way to communicate the contentment I had on Fathers Day.  More than anything, in the pain of not having Matt with the kids and I, I intently focus on making choices in my life to honor my husband.   Last weekend was full of a lot of must do's but on Sunday morning, my kids and I gathered around a table at a favorite brunch spot in San Jose where the four of us have spent many hours chatting, laughing and brain storming life's challenges.  There the three of us sat this year at a little table in a nook of the restaurant.  Never had we sat there before.  It was perfect for the moment; with the rest of the world around us but tucked in a corner of privacy at the same time. Our brunch was bittersweet.  We laughed, choked up, we were able to say Matt's name without completely losing it and we enjoyed being together although our hearts were broken as well.  In my my own mind, I didn't know how this day would go. No cards, no presents, just pure love for our missing father and husband. Could we deal with our sadness and desire to honor Matt?  In Matt's last days, he told us to be happy no matter what.  He told the kids how proud he was of them.  On this Father's Day, I sat across the table from the two people that by their mere existence made this day, a Father's Day of honor for Matt. I sat there listening to the kids talking about their live, caring about mine and at the same time,I had a conversation in my head with Matt.  "Look at them.  They are smart, loving and compassionate people, like you.  They have of the attributes that you instilled in them.  They look like you, and at times their mannerisms mimic your's. They are lovable like you, strong like you and courageous like you.  I realize at this moment that a part of you is still here.  I feel so blessed that although our children are are a gift from God and you.  You are an amazing father Matt.  Your lessons continue, and they will be passed on one day.  Your love is alive and always will be.  Father's day is still a real day honey.  I don't have to ignore it.  I get to celebrate you Forever.
I love you,
Deb"

Thank you for the encouragement

I want to thank those of you who have e-mailed me to tell me to keep on writing.  It means a lot.  I have noticed when my days are hard, I come up empty with the right words to convey my thoughts .  I will try again after Father's Day is over.

To all of the wives out there, don't let the little things that drive you crazy about your husband get the best of you.  Love him and treasure him.

A Wife's Promise: 24 Sundays Ago

A Wife's Promise: 24 Sundays Ago: 24 Sundays ago, Matt went to heaven.  At 11:35AM Dec 11, 2011, my life changed forever here on earth. I have learned that the loss I am expe...

24 Sundays Ago

24 Sundays ago, Matt went to heaven.  At 11:35AM Dec 11, 2011, my life changed forever here on earth. I have learned that the loss I am experiencing shows itself in physical pain as well as the more obvious,emotional pain.  Every day feels like forever.  My perspective on life has changed forever.  I am much more eternity focused than ever before.  I am learning that I have to take care of myself, and protect my self from the outside world.I have learned that my bad days are a visit to hell and my good days are full of relaxing breaths. I have learned that well meaning people say horrible things, which is not their intention, that my dearest of friends and family stay that way and the God is bringing new people into my life which is very bizarre at times that only he can orchestrate.

I found myself at the cemetery today.  90 degrees and going up, I kicked off my sandals, laid on my back and rested.  Funny thing about where Matt is, the breeze always kicks up at the right time.  Although the sweat was dripping down my back, the instant air conditioner kept me cool and I began. " God, thank you for my soul mate, best friend and amazing husband and father.  I give you all of my doubts and fear about doing life without Matt.  Obviously it isn't going so well on my own.  Although my heart is empty and I miss him so much, thank you Father for allowing his pain to cease.  I give my precious children to you who I worry about endlessly.  Please help me have the understanding I need to be what they need as their mom. God, please help me with my aching heart and continue to show me opportunities I have to honor Matt with strength and courage. I thank you Father for who you are. Amen.

It Is Ok To Just Be "Fine"

Have you had those days where your day is "fine"?  How do you define "fine"?  Just last weekend, a very perky, unaware of her surroundings person asked me as she pretty much skipped by, how I was?  I smiled, said I was fine and asked how she was.  She never ended up telling me how she was but...she did give me some negative interpretation, actually an acronym of what the word "fine" means.  She then asked, so are you "fine"?  Pretty much shocked and yes speechless, I said, "I guess so."  But really after the interaction seized, I said to myself no,  I am better than that. Why did I agree with her?  By the way, she does know that Matt went to heaven just five 1/2 months ago.

So all of our life situations are different.  In my process of grieving being "fine" is good enough for now. If you know someone working through the grieving process on their way to  healing, maybe their fine is like mine...
I am fine because I swung both my legs over the side of the bed this morning to try another day.

I am fine because I only choked up five times rather than having tears in my throat all day long.

I am fine because I got to be distracted today.

I am fine because I pushed myself out of my safe bubble and called a friend.

I am fine because I actually tasted the chocolate chips in a cookie that I baked.

I am fine because I was able to talk to God without losing focus on what I was doing.

I am fine because at the end of the day, I climbed into bed thanking God for getting me through another day.
Fine isn't so bad.

So You Don't Say...

I have been asked lately what people shouldn't say to me regarding the loss of Matt.  I know it is very hard for those around me to feel that they can't speak freely because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing.  With that being said, I have decided to express what has been said and how if framed differently would sit better for those of us who have lost a spouse.  I have quite a list growing but I will give it to you one at a time.  I would love to hear your thoughts.  Please know that I take the premise that these remarks are coming from well meaning people.

Widow or Widower...Yuck
Someone has said to me that now that I am a widow, I should meet other widows.  Hmmm..I don't know what comes to your mind with that word, but for me I think of a black dreary spider.  So, assuming for a minute I felt that I needed to do that, how would I go about it? Hi my name is Debbie, I hear that you are widow just like me.  Not so much.

Or... "You know" what the bible says about widows???  So I looked it up.  Not what I want to associate myself with. When Matt was here I never went around saying I was a wife.  "Hi, I am Debbie, I am a wife."  That would be very strange.

So,,, what would feel better?  Not a label.  In my heart, I am still married to Matt. Yes my precious husband has passed on but the day he passed, I didn't lose my wedding licence or the 30 years we spent together. If someone has the uncomfortable need to identify me, just say...

" Hey, this is Debbie, my friend."

Where they are and Where they are attempting to Be

Do you know some one grieving or are you that someone?  Grief isn't always around death.  It can also be around divorce, family dysfunction etc.  To experience sorrow is to have a physical pain of resistance.  To get to understanding we have to get to the point of acceptance. Can this be done all at one time?  I don't think so.  Do I think that sorrow will go away completely?  No I don't.  However the grieving person is trying as hard as they can to take one more step to understanding.

Thought of the day:
Sorrow is...
Plans, expectations, and dreams shattered into little pieces


Where to go from here...


Understanding that...
Loved ones are "loaned" to us and are not to be possessed; and when the time comes, in the physical life (as in divorce) or in the life beyond (as in death), we must let them go to their destiny.

I Accept Today

A big obstacle I have been dealing with is being ok with the fact that I am not ok all of the time.  Sounds a bit circular, however for a person that desires control of herself, I think that my world is more rocked because I am fighting myself with the acceptance of my emotional roller coaster. Matt went to heaven 5 months ago.  So why now am I the most emotional and unnerved than I have been this whole time?  Because.....I look around me and see that life goes on, and that is tragic. Not tragic for those who get to jump back into their everyday lives, but tragic for those of us mourning our loss. I am going to accept the following.....

1.   I will accept that people will complain about their husband's idiosyncrasies and I can't. (I am smiling about how I would give Matt a hard time about the amount of trips it would take to Home Depot for one project)

2.   I will accept that husbands and wives around me have a glass of wine at the end of their day,  let their hair down and  reconnect from life's business.

3.   I will accept that the quiet of the day drives me crazy with yearning for Matt. ( Kind of dramatic, but honestly true)

4.   I will accept that I have to figure out who I am and what I am going to do with my life until we are together again.

5.  I will accept that for now, I won't put pressure on myself to eat a meal at the kitchen table.  The couch and TV are ok.  Tough one since in all of our years, we stopped the world around us and sat around the table talking about our day.

6.  I will accept that sometimes I can take on a day with confidence and bravery and other days I can't.

I could go on and on.  Bottomline...  I am going to cut myself slack for just being me and living one day at a time. I am just going to accept.

My Husband's Legacy To Mothers Day

Please know that I am not being boastful.  In fact, I am incredibly grateful and very sad that this will be my first mother's day with out Matt.  Living life with Matt was awesome.  Did we have hard days?  Yes.  Did we always work through those days? Yes.  The one thing I always knew was that I was cherished by my husband no matter what.  When I put my foot in my mouth, he would put his hand on my should to say, "honey really"?, When I spoke in front of the church, he would be so proud, that he would embarrass me while he was taking pictures.  Oh my gosh, I would think, "What is he doing?  He would just say afterwards, "That was amazing". I would smile and say thanks.  Inside, he filled my heart with an abundance of love.

On Mother's Day for 25 years, Matt made one day on the calender amazing. The funniest Mother's Day was when I opened a card and he put a picture of a freezer that I really wanted inside of it.  Note, to all of the husbands out there.  No appliances for Mother's Day. I was mortified and pretended to be grateful at the same time. Not being so sleuth like with my emotions, he knew that he had hit a chord and tore up the picture.  We ended up planting a rose garden together. As I write this, I am smiling from the inside out with tears on the outside coming from within. As the years went on, Matt taught our children to honor their mother.  Not just on this one particular day but all of the time.  He taught them to make helper coupons, pick flowers, draw pictures, create masterpieces and of course in our family make a special card.  When our kids got older, I had Mother's days of strawberries and cantaloupe, beautiful flowers, chocolate raisins, a new raft for the pool and of course People magazine.  My son and husband became the cabana boys of the day and my daughter saw to so many details to make the day beyond special.  This didn't all happen by accident.  My husband was the  father and husband that I could only dream of all of my life.  I was spoiled with love.  I spoiled back with love.  We loved.

Last year, for Mother's Day, I really wondered if it would be our last together. As all of the other years, it was my day.  He showered me with his love and attention along with my children.  On our very last Mother's Day, Matt gave me a beautiful cross for my charm bracelet. It is perfect.  My first cross ever, because I just couldn't find the right one.  He did.

My heart is eternally grateful for being given the gift of being Matt's wife and Blake and Nicole's mom.

Thank you honey.

The Words He Would Say

So many nights I sit and wish Matt would appear in my dreams and tell me what he wants for me.  I know that he shared his desires and wishes here on earth, but what would his focus be in heaven? People tell me that Matt wants me to go on and be happy, they tell me that he is with me and they tell me that our love will be forever.  I believe this all to be true.  I just want to hear from him.

The other night driving home from my dearest friend's house, I started talking to God and Matt.  I asked God for guidance and peace.  I then found myself talking to Matt.  The radio was on and this is what was played at that very moment.  Please click on this You Tube link and listen.  Pass it on.  Let me know what you think.  No matter what give thanks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t9u-LOa3OI

The Ledger

As my last post showed, there have been some pretty rough days.  Putting one foot in front of the other even though it at times feels like I have a cement brick on it continues to be my daily goal.  I have opened up to some dear people to me this week.  They haven't walked in my shoes, but little do they know, their works have been unbelievabley imactful. Just want to share.  Maybe whatever your life has you rattled by, might ease just a bit.

One day very soon, your emotional hell will transform to emotional hec and then who knows, maybe your ok days will happem without you even knowing it.

41/2 Year's to Prepare? NOT!!!

Writing to you today is not easy.  My heart yearns for Matt.  I miss our lives, our hopes and dreams. People say that I am strong.  Sometimes, yes.  Sometimes I feel like a brittle leave that has fallen from a tree that has experienced a brutal freeze.  Today, the brutal freeze is wreaking havoc in every inch of my body.  I write this to be forthright and honest.  Not always inspirational, just the plain truth.  If you have been in my shoes in one way or another, you will know what I mean.

This is what brings me to what I want to convey.  Loss and grief can not be compared.  Everyone experiences it in so many unique ways.  Your shoes and my shoes are very different.  Your pain belongs to you and is the worst, as is mine.  Lately, a few people have said to me, " at least you had time to prepare for Matt's death."  "So much better that way than suddenly." Is it? or Is it not?  There isn't an answer to this.    I have just finished attending two grief counseling groups.  Sitting there, you share and listen.  I prefer to listen. I heard sorrow from both the prolonged illness and the sudden death.  I would never say that our experience was worse or better.  There is no worse or better.  It is all so tragic.

For Matt and I, we never lived one day with cancer as he was going to die.  We fought with vengeance.  We chose joy in the pain and always believed there would be one more treatment.  To fight the battle 100% we could not give the evil cancer a chance to think it would win and take Matt's life.  Even throughout Matt's last three months of life during hospice, we attacked each day with, WOW, we can do this for a very long time.  Just the other day I took the dogs for a walk where I used to push Matt in his wheel chair.  It was in October.  The leaves were falling and we would see how many leaves we could crunch. Matt thought that if I practiced real hard, I could enter a contest of going up and down the curbs.  Not a very easy thing to do, without tipping.  There was never a time that we thought we were experiencing Matt's passing.  We were living our lives.  Laughing, eating, doing yard work, loving on our dogs and being around the people we loved.

So what happened the day Matt took his last breath? Cancer won a battle it didn't know it was winning until the very end.  The very night before Matt passed, he opened his eyes, reached out his hand to me and said "I love you." We cried and held on to each other until he dosed off.  When, the mortuary took Matt away, I felt like I HAD BEEN HIT BY A FREIGHT TRAIN. I always believed there would be one more day.

Check The Box Please

Life sure has it's ways of throwing curve balls.  Some curve balls are actually good.  Last Friday I inquired about a front desk job at the club where I play tennis and workout. Three hours later my little inquiry turned into a part time job in sales and marketing.  Oh my gosh...it has been so long since I worked out in the world.  I begin my job this Saturday with a lot of excitement and ambivalence.

NOW... the big curve ball.  I went into the club to sign the paper work and get all ready to begin.  At the very end of the pile, I came to the W-2. Gosh, I thought, how long has it been since I filled this thing out?  Ok...start at the beginning, 1 deduction ...okay almost there.  STOP RIGHT THERE.  Single or married?  Are you kidding me??? The air was sucked out of my throat, my breathing became shallow and the tears went from the deepest part of my stomach to the tissues that my future boss was handing me.  With my eyes filled with tears and mascara running down my face, I told my new boss that I couldn't mark the box.  I looked at my wedding ring, I grabbed Matt's ring that is around my neck.  I felt his hand on the back of neck, and I said "MARRIED".  This poor woman.  What was she going to do with me.  Why would she want to hire such an emotional mess.  I really thought that she was going to recant the offer. She didn't.  She took, the W-2. looked at it and said, "I am sorry, please check single.  I did. My back started aching like it is right now, my throat was burning, and I said, "I know".

It's Great To Just "Be"

I smiled on Saturday.  A real smile from within.  Smiling on the outside isn't so hard but smiling from the inside,  well let's just say, I can't make it happen.  There are times when my grief is very raw and other times when it's in it's place.  Always, feeling an indescribable loss, the sharpness is not always caught up in my breathing, thinking and movement.

My escape in life is exercising until sweat is pouring out of me. I like the burn and the sense of accomplishment when it is over.  On Saturday, Blake ( my son) and I hiked to a beautiful waterfall.  Funny thing about the walk there was we got there pretty fast and we filled our time with just normal conversation.  There were many people on the trail, and the sun was beating down very hard. There were the most gorgeous horses, adorable children on a scavenger hunt, and just your everyday person soaking in the day. When we arrived at the bridge overlooking the waterfall, we just fell quiet.  We both knew that Matt was on each of our minds and that we were both processing our emotions separately.  One thing I have learned about grief, is that it is so personal and not any two people can go through it the same way. We regrouped asked someone to take our picture and then continued on to sit by the water.  We went off the beat and path because there were so many people playing, eating and having fun.  We just wanted to be quiet.  We found a rock where the water was rushing by.  On the side of the hill the water was trickling and in the middle, it was rushing at a very fast pace.  Most of that time we sat quietly.  Not sad just reflective.  I have told both of my kids that right now I just want to be.  Be myself, no pressure to put on the happy face, and  oddly enough, comfortable to laugh and not wonder if people are thinking that I am not sad enough.  Ok... now that is honest. Just before we got up to begin the uphill hike back to the car, Blake said, "now this is just being." I could not have said it better myself.  I am finding myself smiling right now at how that moment felt. Matt was with me, no doubt, but I was enjoying being alive. After the accomplishment of a very long hike back up, with sweat pouring down my face, Blake and I went to Fosters and devoured a dipped cone.  I haven't tasted something that yummy for a very long time.  I enjoyed my cone, my son and I found myself really smiling..  For real!

Preparing Doesn't Make It Happen

While living our everyday lives we don't want to think about dying. Planning for that time is not natural or desirable at all.  However, having "The" conversation, doesn't make dying happen. As a matter of fact it makes living easier.

Things to consider doing for yourself and family:
Talk about what you would want should you be encountered with an illness or catastrophic event. DNR, ( do not recessitate, donating organs etc,)

• Cremation or burial?
• funeral, memorial, no service?
• See a lawyer and put everything into a revocable trust so that you avoid probate.  Probate could take the majority of what you leave to your loved ones.  And, your home should also be in a trust.
• Have a credit card in your name as the primary cardholder.  When social security gets a hold of the information of the passing, your bank accounts can be frozen to protect you from identity theft.

Now for the tough stuff:

Don't leave anything undone or unsaid on a daily basis.

If you have baggage to deal with, don't wait, start today

Don't get caught up on the "busy" life.  If you find that word coming out of your mouth daily, do something about it.  You won't want to deal with "busy" later.

Make time for each other daily

Touch each other everyday with a hug

Say I love you everyday

The list goes on.....

Matt lived his life with no regrets, we always knew where each other stood on everything.  We were never afraid to say anything because our marriage was blessed with unconditional love. This is not to say we didn't disagree however mutual respect was the basis of our relationship.  Although we lived the "busy" life, Matt would be the first one in our family to real it in, and each season of life we would evaluate the "busy".  ("Busy is very easy to hide behind).

Hope this helps

Taxes Represent So Much More

Tax day came yesterday with an incomplete return until the end of the day.  Did anyone mess up?  NO! However, the wrath of cancer tried to have it's way. Until this year, Matt has taken care of the taxes, with me helping to gather all of the necessary documents. My husband was amazing with our finances and half way through the year he would do our taxes to make sure we were on track.  Not in 2011. For some reason, I thought I could pop in TurboTax and be on my way.  Not so much.  Digging in to the confusion, I realized that SSDI, long term disability, and a unjust lawsuit that we were not able to fight because of cancer, were going to cause us havoc.  I could hear my husband saying, let someone else take this.  So, I hired an accountant.  With a tremendous amount of patience of dealing with my emotions and a bit of a confusing mess, my accountant graciously met with me at 8:00 Monday night, explained every line and filed my return yesterday afternoon.

Sitting there going through the return line to line broke my heart.  It made me go through once again the immense amount of sadness of not having my best friend by my side, and made my heart hurt for Matt who had to live and die in 2011.   With such dignity, love and commitment to our 30 years,  Matt prepared me for whatever life is going to throw my way.  He taught me to fight, when to let go, and to always fall back on my faith.

Forever grateful!

I Know

I Know...

I know not expect you to be better at handling my grief than I would have been at handling yours before my loss.

I know that you can not know what this experience is like if you haven't been through it.

I know that you want to help me.  You mean well.

I know that I can't expect for you to know how I feel unless I express to you how I am feeling.

I know that you cannot read my mind.  If I am hurting or need support, it is my responsibility to ask for what I need.  That is if I know what that is myself.

I know that you are grieving Matt too.  How sad you may feel too.

I know that every night when it is time to rest, I thank God for all of the well meaning and lovely people in my life.

Thoughts for the day:
Sorrow:
Sorrow are the tears you cry, and the ones you hide so that no one knows that you are hurting inside.


Understanding:
Understanding that the only thing you can count on in life is change.

Just Ask

There are questions, AND then there is the question.  You can ask me, if my taxes are done,  I would say getting there, you can ask me if I am eating well, sleeping and exercising and I would yes on all three, you can ask me if I am back going to church, I would yes I am and, I have even gone by myself.  Should you ask the bigeeee, How am I doing?  Here is my answer:

Thank you so much for asking. Losing Matt is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the loss and grief I am experiencing.  I cry more than usual, at times having a hard time catching my breath.  My tears are not a lack of hope or faith, they are symbols of the depth of my loss and the feelings I am experiencing through my grief.  They are also a sign that I am healing from my grief.

My emotions are all heightened by the stress of grief.  Please be forgiving if I seem irrational or withdrawn at times. I need more patience and understanding from you than ever before.  Your presence in my life means more than ever before.  If you don't know what to say to me, please just offer your touch or hug so I know you care and are available to me.  Please don't wait or expect me to call you.  I am often too tired or preoccupied with my thoughts and feelings to even think of reaching out for help.  I am also learning to reach out, and this is a bit difficult for me.

Please don't allow me to withdraw from you.  If you feel uncomfortable about my mood or emotions, please ask me what the best way is to support me.  I know that you can't read my mind and it must be very hard to know what to say.

If you have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me.  You will not make me feel worse.  In fact, this may help me talk about my loss and that would help. Sometimes, actually a lot, I love to talk about Matt, but let me set the limits on how much we talk about him.

The loss of not having my best friend/soul mate is the worst thing that could happen to me.  I know that somehow I will get through.  I know that I will not always feel the way I do now.  I will laugh and find meaning in life again.  I just need time.

Thank you for caring about me.  I really do appreciate it.  Your concern is a gift I will always treasure.
Love,
Debbie

Thank You Stacey - I Have a Solution

My very last message on my voice mail from Matt was last September when I was still playing tennis at night.  When I want to hear his voice I just replay it and my heart settles.  Beyond the emotion, it occurs to me that my dear husband was always making sure I was safely on my way home from whatever I was doing.   That night as so many, he said, " Hi Honey, just wondering if you have left the courts?  It's getting kinda late.  Just making sure you are all right.  Call me.  Love you." About a month after Matt went to heaven, I was sitting in my car in the Safeway parking lot at 10:00 at night.  It was raining and it occurred to me, Matt was never going to check on me again. 30 years of being thought of and cared for all of the time.  Since then, I have found myself with the dilemma; who would ever know if I broke down or something happened to me? Hmmm...PROMISING to take care of myself, I have been occasionally telling some one if I am going to be out.  It is certainly not a natural thing to call a friend and say,"Hey, can I check in with you when I get home?"  But, it is necessary.  Tonight, like a beautiful night in September, I found myself walking off the tennis courts with my dear friend Stacey. I was telling her that I had to stop and get gas and then I shared my dilemma.  We talked at length of this adjustment to my life and we came up the solution  that wherever I am, I can just ask someone who I am with if they would mind being my check in person for that night or if I am alone, I will call a friend and ask for a back up person.  This way, I am not burdening one person and I getting help where I need it.

I share this for a two fold reason.  If you or someone else you know is like me, you or they have probably encountered this feeling in one way or another.  If you are a friend or a family member, be bold and bring up the subject to help this person walk down the road of adjusting to a new life.  And.... if you are somewhere, whether alone with a friend or you know someone in a group who is on their own, step out and offer to be the text message on the other side that says,"I'm glad you are home safe and sound."

Promise Me

Promise me that you will breathe.  Promise me that you will put one foot in front of another.  Promise me that you will surround yourself with people who lift you up, not bring you down.  Promise me that you will smile again.  Promise me that you do whatever it takes to be happy again.  AND... my promise to you is that we will be in eternity together forever.

My precious husband Matt shared this with me three weeks before he went to heaven. With complete clarity and determination, Matt filled my heart and mind with everything he wanted me to know. Some of which I may share at a different time.  How blessed I am!!!

Matt fought stage 4 lung cancer for 4 1/2 years and lost the fight on December 11, 2011.  Our fight and battle with this disease is documented in caringbridge.org/mattharris if you would like to go deeper into our story. My husband was the most amazing, loving husband and father anyone could dream of.  My life's goal now that I am having to live every day with out him is to honor him.  He loved it when I wrote and told me that the day would come when somewhere deep within, my heart would beat to share this season of life in hopes of helping those who are grieving like me and for those who are walking along side the grieving. I think my heart, mind and soul are just beginning to wake up to the fact that days are continuing to come and go , and that I have to live this life without my soul mate and best friend.  As I write this, my heart is beating faster and my breaths are a bit shallower. The pain is indescribable but the desire to honor the promises that I made Matt will someday put everything in its place.

This blog will be filled with an up close and personal journey to grief and fulfilling promises. And with God's hand in mine, moving forward one step at a time.